Loosening the Noose

I did it willingly

Climbed each step

No matter how much it hurt

Until I reached what I thought was joy
I placed it around my neck
It felt comforting
Even as it coiled around my throat
Restricting me from self
I looked at you lovingly
Trusting through dark shadows
You hadn’t tightened it yet
I suppose I sensed it was coming
But I didn’t move or
Try to take it off
I just stood there
Waiting
For you to remove it from me
Giving me lovers comfort
I looked into your eyes
Seeking something
I had once seen
Reflected back at me
The place I stood wasn’t safe
I knew it even as I waited
The foundations were never secure
The structure had been constructed
For destruction
The reality of what was beneath the surface
Peeked through the floorboards
The open maw of what was to come
Waiting
For me to take the plunge or
Find some other way down
I looked into your eyes
Waiting for your hands
To loosen the noose and
Guide me back towards safety
Love and calm
You didn’t
It was easier to remain aloof than caring
Too much of a risk
On your part to love me
I stood silently
Awaiting judgment
Tears blinding me
To what was evident
You ask me what we are
After I have given so much of my heart
Even as you’ve held back your own
The answer is clear:
We are nothing.
This noose I have accepted is nothing
Except a device designed by you
To save you from your own emptiness
You would rather have me like this
Though it causes me pain
Because I am here beside you
On this scaffold
While I am in torment
You find joy
You are nothing
I think that’s what you believe
Perpetual victim
Even as angels bless you
God’s glory isn’t enough
To rescue you from yourself
I am not enough
To make you feel whole
I am nothing
I could give you my last breaths
They wouldn’t be enough
So I take this noose from around
My throat of many colored gems
Leaving it to hang and sway
Above the dead man’s drop
Rope burns leave scars
That will not quickly heal
I do not think I will ever completely
Recover from loving you
Yet I will try
As I take this first step down and
Away from you
I have to do this
In order to survive my heart
Loving you is killing me
And I’ve been too willing to die.