The Final Slap

This is the one

After so many others
When I was sent spinning
The room rushing around me
The floor like your hands slapping as I landed
Down finally down no more.

The first time was playful
Or at least that’s how you explained it
I believed you in spite
Of my better self
Smiling through shock
Wishing the truth away

The next time I couldn’t play that game
Bloodied lip and swollen eye
Limp walking for days afterward
As you forced apologies
Through sex and tears
You pleasured yourself in my pain

Days months years
Uneasy calm followed by howling reprimand
Your hands
I pulled away from gentleness
Like a beaten down dog
Afraid to look up from below

I look up now
Knowing this is the last time
I will ever do this
You stand above me ready
Puffing your need to send me back down
I inhale the mud from your shoes and smile

Clenched fist and quivering lips
You fear me love hate me to the floor
I see you as you are and know
This is the last time
I don’t care what you know or think
I have found my strength in falling

I stand up slow wincingly
You’ve left the room certain I’ve learned my lessons well
You have no idea how right you are
You have no idea you’re about to die
I have no idea what killing is like
But I’ll learn.